


Bottle Episode

by 3Dumbasses



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Crack, F/F, I saw this in a vision please forgive me, Super FRIENDS get it?, but at least she remains to be the sexiest american-irish lesbian woman, everyone moved into kara's apartment & they have to work together to make ends meet, it's a very large 2 bedroom, lena's money & phd? gone, nonetheless, the supers are literal idiots BUT they cute idiots, this is a Supercorp fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:41:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21708382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3Dumbasses/pseuds/3Dumbasses
Summary: The aftermath of Crisis leaves everyone absolutely jobless.Kara and Clark try their best, wanting to make things work for everyone.Alex is a tired lesbian who fears the grocery shopping receipt every week and is so done with their shit. Kelly is a supportive girlfriend and Understands.Nia's barely holding it together.And Lena's Irish accent is slipping.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Kelly Olsen, Clark Kent/Lois Lane, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Querl Dox/Nia Nal
Comments: 45
Kudos: 156





	1. The One With The Meat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [seabiscuit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/seabiscuit/gifts).



Well the good news was that the Crisis on Infinite Earths was over. It turned out that “The Crisis” had been averted. Well okay, not exactly averted. 

Rather instead of reality all collapsing into one reality, only ONE reality had been sacrificed to save all of reality as anyone knew it. Got that? Easy peasy. 

Unfortunately for all members of Earth-38 that meant that *their* Earth, good ol’ 38 got thoroughly fucked, screwed, destroyed, shit-canned. Which was FINE. It really was. Because what was reality without your friends right? Everyone on Earth 38 was saved...SAVED. It was GREAT. 

Except for one thing. 

Starting a new life on Earth-1. It was...acceptable. Good even. Kind of like when you watch Marie Kondo clean out everyone’s overstuffed house and then (through tears) realize that the only thing they needed were the people they loved. 

Anyway.

That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that there were 8 Super friends (and a baby!) living in a 2 bedroom apartment and things were starting to get ugly. 

Combining two planets together made things just a leetle tight, something Nia liked to remind everyone by squeezing her fingers together and making a squishy face. It was cute at first but after 2 weeks Nia’s “it’s too fucking crowded” humor was starting to grate. Lois and Clark and baby Jonathon got one bedroom. While Kelly and Alex, being a couple, got the other bedroom. That left the Kara, Lena, Nia, and Brainy free floating in the remaining space. This also allowed their ‘are they/aren’t they’ constipated sexual energy permeate and infuse every surface of this apartment. 

It was zen. Zen with a side of barely contained unresolved sexual tension.

Since none of them had existed on Earth-1, it meant that none of their money, jobs, diplomas, did we mention money, existed on Earth-1 either. Which would’ve been doable on their Crisis Averted Thanks Heroes Here’s An Apartment And Some Money stipend except one of them was a billionaire and 2.5 of them were Kryptonians who needed to eat at bare minimum 10,000 calories a day. 

“Don’t tell me I’m seeing what I’m seeing right now,” said Kelly in the calm but powerful manner of a therapist barely holding it together. 

Kara and Clark mumbled looking up from their heaping plates of spaghetti, 4 roast chickens, 6 loaves of bread, and 24 scrambled eggs.

“Are you eating OUR ENTIRE WEEK of groceries right now?” shrieked Alex who ever since her butch makeover never shrieked which made this all the more alarming. Her pitch high, her decibels, higher. “What the FUCK guys!” she screamed. 

Although they were immune to her bullets, Kara and Clark were definitely not immune to her ear splitting meltdown.

“Do you not understand we’re poor now? None of us have jobs. The DEO doesn’t exist anymore. They won’t recognize Kelly’s degrees so she can’t get work as a therapist and they DEFINITELY don’t like, much less recognize, her invasive mind control AI trauma therapy. The media industry is in even worse shape here than where we came from so both Nia, Kara, Lois, and Clark are JOBLESS. Brainy is the only one bringing in money delivering pizza. And well Lena...don’t get me started on Lena.”

Kara and Clark both looked at her with deep fear in their eyes, slowly turned to each other, and immediately activated their super speed -- decimating the orgy of food in front of them and then flying out the window. Leaving nothing but a rush of air and a rack filled with dripping dishes behind them. 

“Babe, let’s try those breathing exercises again,” Kelly nudged her girlfriend as she closed the front door behind them.

That evening Kara and Clark returned. Smelling strangely meaty. 

“Guys, we have a big announcement that will benefit the whole Super fam!” Kara excitedly said.

“I think we’ve found a solution to everyone’s liking,” Clark chimed in with equal fervor.

“Oh fuck, here we go,” everyone internally groaned, knowing full well two Kryptonians with a bright idea was still two people descended from a civilization that managed to blow itself into oblivion. They were gorgeous but, well, the brightest? They had good, kind hearts. 

As the Super friends gathered around, Lois sitting prettily while holding baby Jon who cooed and smiled at a befuddled and charmed Lena. Nia crawled out from her sleeping bag cocoon under the living room table, having just woken up from her 13th nap of the day. 

“Okay, so the bad news is we don’t have much money for food and Clark and I have certain caloric needs that must be met. However we still have our powers. So, we decided to start hunting and cooking our own food. We can kill any animal, cook it up with our laser vision, and bring it back to the apartment in no time. It’s wild, it’s humane, it’s fresh, it’s local! This will be better than farm to table, it’ll be like field to table, no farming! What could be better, right?” Kara enthused to a silent crowd.

One minute passed. Then two. Then three and finally Nia could not hold it back any longer. Was she the only sane one in the room?

“WHAT THE FUCK!?!? WHEN DID YOU START HUNTING??” Nia was not amused.

“Wait, wait … I don’t know I think this is really efficient. I like your thinking Kara,” Alex was all on-board. This really did satisfy her blood-lust for killing things and also her lesbian need to break out of industrial farming. It made sense, so much economic sense. The economics of it spoke for itself.

Speaking of geniuses with a head for economics and a body for fanfic.

“Actually, as an avid hunter myself, I think this is a rather ingenious idea. I have no qualms about this approach and as a lesbian I do think that eating wild food avoids harmful intensive animal farming altogether. It seems both fiscally and ethically responsible,” Lena monologued in that sultry american irish lilt.

“That is logical,” Brainy spoke as he materialized from the wall. 

Everybody jumped a foot into the air and the baby started crying.

“Brainy, what did we tell you about using your inducer to be invisible? That is NOT COOL dude!” exclaimed Nia as she grabbed her thudding chest. 

“I apologize. Due to the space restrictions I thought it best to resemble this bookshelf, thus reducing the mental clutter of my visual presence.”

“Oi forgot we’re stoney broke again. Dis is gonna be a 'ard wan ter keep top av mind,” murmured Lena, the american from her lilt slipping. Drinking three fingers of scotch from a tumbler and a bottle she’d pulled from the couch cushions. Lena could be incredibly resourceful when it came to brown liquor.

“Four of the 7 adults in this room work in media. And not new media, but old OLD Pulitzer winning articles media. And of the four, only 1, Nia, knows what a Me Me is. So we need a plan, because we are poor,” Kara happily explained.

“It’s MEEM, Kara, MEEM,” Nia warmly explained. “And please, don’t use the word ‘poor’. It’s ugly and classist. We’re low-income. Economically disadvantaged.”

“Meme. Well we can’t eat memes, can we, Nia? But I can take down a steer and turn it into BBQ in 45 seconds,” said Kara. 

“Yes, it’s all about economics, really,” agreed Clark, steering the conversation away from hangry sniping and into the word economics. They’d eaten 5 minutes ago, but Kara was getting low sugar again.

“I think the ECONOMICS of our situation requires us to think outside the box,” repeated Kara. 

“OI! Mates! 'Av a DPhil in Economics from Oxford. Oi understan' budgetin'.” Lena groused, her body halfway down the couch. This ugly couch sure was slippery when she drunk.

“Guys, I love that you came up with an ECONOMIC plan. I think it’s really commendable that you took a negative, eating all our food, and turned it into a positive, getting us more food,” Kelly assured as her hands slowly gesticulated in a calming manner. “We all could work towards solutions rather than focusing on the problems. Right, everyone?”

Everybody murmured their agreement. They didn’t need another Super Hero showdown in the apartment again. Last time when Nia snapped her power tentacles on Kara’s butt they had to change all the furniture to iron patio furniture because the wood furniture disintegrated in the ensuing fight. The humans were not enjoying the iron of it all. 

“I’m sorry guys, I just woke up and I am cranky and hungry. You’re right Supers, I love BBQ!” said Nia. God, the Supers were idiots, but they were her idiots and she loved them so much. 

Seconds later a feast of ribs, burgers, brisket, steak, roasts, tri-tip, filet mignon (Lena screamed in delight), and kebab skewers appeared on the dining room table. Both Kara and Clark wore Chef’s hats and aprons.

Everybody laughed and cheered and dug in. 

To be continued.


	2. The One With Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to report that I was able to get Kara and Lena in therapy in a swift 1500 words when this show couldn't do it in 5 years. I won, but at what cost?

“Like OMG just go hunting you'll feel better,” begged Nia.

“I tried Nia. I did it all. I flew into space and laid around for a bit. I walked on the surface of the sun. I went to the Fortress of Solitude. I dove into the Marianas Trench and punched a giant squid. It’s no use, I feel so jumpy and weird all the time. The littlest noise and I put on the Super Suit.” Kara was distraught. It was another one of her down days.

“Maybe you’re really depressed and anxious from all the trauma and loss you’ve experienced in your life up to and including what happened last week when our entire world was destroyed,” said Nia.

Kara thought about that. Could...could that be it? Could she be…unhappy? Did she have some unresolved trauma from the endless violence of her Superheroics, endless loss of people she loved, and what seemed to be unending conflict with Lena. 

Oh god, Lena. So many cans and cans of untold worms that even thinking about Lena unleashed. They were fighting right before “The Crisis” and then Lena jumped in to help them and things maybe got smoothed over but truly, did it? Kara used to think she could read Lena but after The Thing That Happened in the Fortress Of Solitude, Kara second guessed everything. Was Lena REALLY bringing them a bottle of wine or was she about to throw it at Kara’s head? Did Kara’s phone really crack or did Lena slam a tumbler of scotch on it (again). 

Kara’s forehead was furrowed as she bit her lip. Sadly, she’ll never know as these questions could never possibly be resolved or answered. Talk to Lena? About what happened? That made no sense. It was better to just think about it and worry and have a bad feeling than to discuss it ever. Interpersonal conflict was one of those things, like black holes or the size of the universe, that expanded infinitely beyond comprehension. Interpersonal conflict was unsolvable, this was written in the Great Book Of Kryptonian Problems and Resolutions. And if there was anything that Kara knew, Kryptonians were as close to perfection as anything any culture anywhere could have ever achieved. Except for not existing anymore, Krypton was darn near perfect.

“Nia, I get what you’re saying but how could I possibly be suffering from PTSD when I’m obviously totally fine.”

“Let’s see, you saw your planet blow up with your parents on it. You were trapped in a tight space for 24 years and now have claustrophobia as a result. Your first boyfriend gaslit you and demeaned you at every turn. You reunited with your long lost Mom but never discussed how she never reached out to you so you thought you were an orphan for years. Then you saw her blow up AGAIN along with 3.5 billion of your fellow Kryptonians. And you and Lena --” 

“Okay okay okay. I get it. But I’m FINE,” Kara exclaimed. Nia was NOT gonna open that can of worms today nope nope nope. 

“OK, guys, I tried,” said Nia as she got up from the wrought iron chair and went into the kitchen. “Who’s next?”

Brainy materialized next to the couch and sat down (he’d been a lamp). 

“I was able to successfully mindmeld with James Olson and pull out memories that he had suppressed. This was very helpful. Would you like me to help you in this manner, Kara?” Brainy asked. 

Kara had no idea what they were talking about. She was fine. FINE. Clark and her were doing great with the whole hunting, butcher, BBQ thing. They really had a knack for finding a herd, culling it in the most humane way possible, butchering it clean in the field, putting the steaming carcass on a spit, and cooking it with their lazer eyes. And to think, the whole time they were writing articles when they could’ve been hunting buddies. This was so much better than sitting in an office or cold calling leads or following the AP Styleguide. 

“Brainy, I trust you. And I absolutely would let you go into my brain and pull out all traumatic events in my past and I would not feel weird about it at all. But there’s really nothing bad in there. Just hope and justice running around,” explained Kara. 

Well, as it turned out, talking to Kara about her feelings was even more difficult than talking to Lena. This only meant one thing. 

“Lena, I think it’s your turn. The probability of me getting this conversation in the direction I want will not happen in time before I need to get to work,” explained Brainy. With the help of his Legion ring, parkour agility, and quantum brain he made mad tips at dinnertime. He was doing delivery for 3 separate pizzerias. This was keeping the whole Super fam in clothes and wrought iron patio furniture. 

Lena came in from the patio. She’d been staring out into the city, thinking thinking thinking. She never missed an outdoor sunset at least 6 stories above street level. Her hair was blowing. Her brow furrowed. Feeling SO. MANY. THINGS. What else do you do when the sun is on the horizon and everyone is bathed in golden yellow purple hues. Go inside? Ridiculous. As was fitting for one in her depreciated financial situation, Lena was casually dressed in 3 inch house heels, one size too small skinny jeans, and a mongolian camel hair aran sweater. Lena’s style of dress was so slovenly she was practically a sorority girl at a slumber party. When in Rome, one supposes. 

“Hi, Kara,” Lena gently said.

“Hi Lena.”

“Soooooo.”

“Soooooooooo.”

“How are you feeling, Kara?”

“Good, great even!” enthused Kara, glowing inwardly and outwardly just being in Lena’s presence. 

“Yeah me too me too. I’m extremely relaxed at the moment,” Lena said with deep emotion. The vein in on her forehead showing prominently. 

“I’m sorry about melting the toaster. I was just looking at it thinking about stuff and next thing I know it was just a lump. I keep apologizing but the guys don’t seem to be accepting my apologies?” Kara was confused.

“Well Kara, it just seems unusual for you to lose your focus like that. I know this transition has been difficult for you. It’s been difficult for all of us. But DEFINITELY for you and definitely NOT for me. I’m of course handling it fine. This is not the worst I’ve ever experienced, I mean my whole planet being destroyed? Barely a blip on the list,” said Lena. 

Nia rolled her eyes from the kitchen. Where the fuck was Kelly. They needed a professional with military grade therapy. Admittedly it was fun watching these two flopping around in their denial. Nia wanted to make some popcorn and watch. But would making the popcorn distract from her ability to watch? She hated Catch-22’s especially because she could see them from so far away.

At that exact moment Kelly walked through the door. She’d been at two back to back job interviews and was very tired. After working at a tech startup in next generation therapeutic techniques, it was difficult to be applying for work in a mental hospital with no free lunches or VR. Adios Taco Tuesday, Sayonara Sushi Friday. Hello bilateral limb holders. 

“KELLY!!!” screamed Nia in desperation. “I’m so glad you’re home. Can you help me with something on the balcony?” 

Kelly knew that tone. 

“Wassup, Nia?” she asked standing on the far corner of the outside patio far away from the Super and the Luthor working together to strain their ears. 

“Well, something happened this morning with Kara and I was hoping you could talk to her? I woke up this morning and the toaster was a blob of metal and there were scorch marks all over the kitchen. We cleaned it up but Kara insists everything is fine.” 

“Kara, could you come out here please? I know you’re listening,” said Kelly in an even tone. 

Lena and Kara looked at each other with wide eyes. They said their goodbyes with determined looks in complete silence. They held hands and longingly stared into each other’s souls. Kara brushed a hair from Lena’s beautifully chiseled cheekbones with the back of her hand against Lena’s face. They hugged tightly, breathing in each other’s scent, memorizing each - 

“Now if you please,” Kelly said again. She hated to be rude but these two could get lost in each other for hours just saying goodbye. Nothing weird about it, but it took up a lot of travel time when they needed to run a simple errand. When Lena went to pick up toilet paper it took 6 hours: 1 hour to say goodbye to Kara, 2 hours to familiarize herself with the retail experience, 2 to choose what to buy, and 1 more hour to become reacquainted with Kara again after their long separation. 

“Hi Kelly. I heard that you heard about the thing from this morning,” Kara said apologetically. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here this morning. Did you have a bad night?” 

“I guess? I flew around the sun and did all these other things to work it off but it didn’t help? And now I feel even worse because everyone seems EXTREMELY worried,” sighed Kara.

“Maybe you need to get out of here for a little while. I’m headed to Therapy Club in a few hours, you wanna join me?”

“I don’t know if I’d be comfortable talking about what I’m feeling because I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now.” 

“You know there’s many different forms of therapy. It’s not all mind invasion. Sometimes it’s just drawing or doing art. Sometimes it’s sitting with others in a group who understand what you’ve been through. I know a group that’s just for aliens whose planet blew up because their parents were xenophobic technocratic sociopaths.” 

“So Lena can come too?” Kara asked excitedly. 

“Actually….yes? But that’s for Lena to decide. How about it?” Kelly smiled.

“I would like that actually,” Kara smiled back. Kara and Kelly hugged.

A tear rolled down Nia’s face. Lena smiled as her eyes filled with unshed tears. 

Kara. Went. To. Therapy. 

And Lena came too. 

**Author's Note:**

> It's true. Three people wrote this incredible, groundbreaking, Hugo award winning fic. Coffeeshib & lenalovesher contributed, helped form the overall ideas for this fic.  
> Peep us on Facebook @... lol.  
> Twitter: @lenalovesher @coffeeshib @fyeahtourist  
> Tumblr: @lenalovesher @coffeeshib @@rootspajamas


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